Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Memorial Day

I hope everyone had a fun and safe Memorial Day weekend. Mine was okay. I thought about going to KC, but ended up being to apathetic. Instead, we went out to a Brazilian steak house. It was pretty good, if a little overpriced. Saturday we went to a party. It was strange. An old coworker invited us. The funny thing is, she hasn't invited us anywhere since she stopped working for Hanger. I figured that pretty much meant we weren't friends. So, out of the blue she invites us over to watch UFC. I'm not big into that, but wanted some we went. I'm glad we did. It was a good time, got to play some washers and talk to some people from work that I see daily, but barely know. Sunday we took it easy. Monday, we went to a friends party. They always have good food. They also had horseshoes and volleyball. We had a pretty good time there, even though we didn't know that many people. I was drunk by 4 in the afternoon. Other than that, life continues to suck balls. I hate my job more and more each day that passes. I think it's time for me to blow this popsicle stand. That is all.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Meet Bob

Thanks to enzyte, Bob has a generous swelling of pride......
Awhile back, somebody made a post about giving alchohol to your plants to increase their growth. I commented that it worked with Bob back when I lived in Kansas City. I don't feed Bob near as much beer as I used to, but he still gets some now and again. Just look at him!!! He's huge! When I transtported him down here 2 years ago his branches only came to the bottom of the planter. Last fall, I trimmed him again, this time to about 1/4 of what you see here. This guy is out of control...I think he's secretely on the juice. I haven't measured him, but I think the longest "tendril" is at least 6 feet long, maybe more. Alas, It's almost touching the floor and it keeps getting caught in my dresser drawers, so I have to trim him again. I had to post a picture of Bob in all his majesty so that mankind may benefit from gazing upon his awesomitude.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Literary giants

I found these to be freakin' hilarious. Comment on which is your fave. Mine is about the fall from a building that was like a garbage bag full of vegetable soup.

Kids Are Getting Smarter
School Comics

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School

1. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a bear trap or something.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

In the Ghetto.....late post

I live on the edge of a ghetto. Usually I get the pleasure of hearing shitty rap music blaring too loud. Every couple of days I get to hear people yelling at their kids. Last Sunday I experienced a new little joy...violence. Jade and I were watching tv when a loud car stopped in front of our house. Trailing the car were three people yelling...two guys and a girl. They are shouting at the people in the car. The driver gets out of the car wielding a +4 baseball bat of smashing and starts shouting "what's up? whatchoo gonna do?, etc" The other 3 people back off a bit, but continue yelling. The driver gets back in the car and the two other guys start kicking it as it lays rubber up the road. I think that's it, but oh no...not even close. The guy turns around up the street and tears back down the road about 50 miles an hour or so. When they get in front of the house he slams on the brakes and SWERVES TO HIT THE GIRL. Now, in retrospect, I believe it was posturing. But shit, he came within a foot or two of hitting her. More shouting occurs, the driver turns up the next street and gets out of his car and starts swinging his baseball bat around. At this point I decide to do something I've never done before....I called the cops. I thought about just letting them go at it (after all, what business is it of mine), but I was afraid someone was going to get seriously hurt. I couldn't find the number for the cops in the front of the phone book (kinda surprising), so I had to call 911. Turns out somebody else had already called about the same disturbance. By this point they had moved up the next street. I could still here them shouting but couldn't see what was happening. 3 cops cars came and that was the last I heard of it. Gotta love the ghetto, always something exciting going on. On that note, it's time to get some home protection for myself. You never know when you need to defend yourself and I don't even have a baseball bat.