gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run...

Good evening ladies and gents. Tonight I find myself in good spirits. Why you ask? Because I did fairly well at poker tonight. I may have even won, although I didn't get a final chip count on the rest of the players. We played at Erin and Dave's house. There were six players. We played a variety of games...mostly texas hold em, but some other games as well. My game was a rare combination of intuition, bluffing, and good cards for a change. I folded when I needed to, bluffed and bought a couple of pots on shitty hands, and took in a couple of big wins. I was up big time about halfway through, then stayed in on some hands that I should have folded. That took away a fair chunk of money. Two of my best hands went as such: The first game was similar to 7 card stud, except you get three hole cards and then rotate one out to get your next card. It makes you think about what you want others to see. Very early on I had 2 queens. 3/4ths through the game I was sitting on a full boat.....queens over 7's. I played it so that what was showing was a pair of 7's, a queen, and a ten. I had the other two queens and some other card in my hand. I got several people to throw in money each round...usually 50 cent bets. One guy kept raising...so I raised him back knowing that he didn't have shit showing and couldn't top what I had. It came down to just me and this guy and the last bet I bid a dollar. He folded, so I didn't even get to show my sweet hand. The second was a game called low card in the hole. Each player's lowest hold card was wild for them. Standard 7 card until the last card in which you can choose to pay to have it face up and not change your hold wild. Or, you can take it face down for free and risk it changing your wild card. I had two 4's and a queen up, with a queen and ace as my hold cards. So, right there I had four 4's. I wasn't thinking and asked for my last card down for free...which would probably change my wild card. I was thinking that I had a full boat anyway you cut it. I should have stuck with the queen wild and had four 4's (which I didn't even see). I wasn't thinking, but it worked out. People stayed in, and my last card down was a 4. So, now 4's were wild for me and I had 5 queens. I made a good chunk of change on that hand as well. Overall I started out with 20 bucks and walked away with 32.50. Jade had a really good night too...she ended up 7.50 and had some very well played hands. Other than that I had a productive day off of setting up my scanner/printer, downloading my free credit report, and spending an hour talking to a mortgage broker. There is quite a bit more involved in buying a house than I had even found researching online. I will have to contemplate my options, but it doesn't matter, because I still don't know if I'll have a job. Oh yeah, I also spent last night organizing my mp3's. They are now organized by artist and then by album, and all on one hard drive, so when I set up my playlist I don't have to add 4 files to get all the songs. I got rid of some stuff, and actually freed up a good amount of space. I had a bunch of movies that I had forgotten about that I already have dvd's for. I've also added a bunch of new albums that I bought recently: 2 new System of a Down, new Audioslave, 2 older Butthole Surfers, Scissor Sistors (guilty pleasure), and the soundtrack to Velvet Goldmine. Albums that I'm looking forward to in June include White Stripes, and Coldplay. Ciao for now, hopefully see you all this weekend.

-J

I'm just a sweet transvestite. From transexual Columbiaaaaa, ahaa

Welcome to Columbia Missouri...the transgender capitol of Missouri. Tonight, Jade and I went to see a documentary called American Beer. I highly recommend the movie. It's about 4 guys who visit 38 breweries in 40 days. And I thought I had stamina. Anyway, the night was very cool. Two local brewers brought samples and appetizers, answered questions, and showed the movie. There were 6-7 types of very good beer to be had. My favorite was lemon mead...which isn't really a beer at all. It's fermented honey and lemon, with yeast to make it similar to a beer. That stuff was tasty indeed. Other beers of note include rasberry ale, stout, mai bock, and wheat ale. All in all, it was worth the twenty bucks to get in. I drank at least 20 bucks in beer alone (probably more...they actually served good size glasses), had at least 15 bucks worth of appetizers, and saw a 6 dollar movie. I think I actually came out ahead. It was basically an excuse to have the new brewer in town show off his wares....which in my opinion are much better than the 11 year old resident brewery, Flat Branch. So, now there are two breweries about a quarter mile apart.....me thinks I see many a cab ride home in my future. All this aside, I must address what I feel is an overwhelming amount of "transgendered, transvestive, tran whatever" in this town. For starters...there is a he-she-it that is all over town. This person is very obviously a male in his late 40's that dresses like an old woman on her way to church. Very creepy indeed. I swear he is stalking me....I see him everywhere I go in town. I'm not kidding at all...literally I've ran into "it" at least 6-8 times...which is 6-8 times too many. Tonight, obviously, was the most recent run-in. I had stepped outside the Rag Tag Cinemacafe for a smoke at intermission, and who should be there but the "it" himself. He was in full regalia mind you....strappy little dress, bra, hose, dainty hat, makeup, etc. He was talking to some other dude while I stood a few feet away smoking. It was the first time I heard it speak...and it's definitely a man....or the most ugly, masculine woman I've ever met. So, it only get stranger from there. Soon after, the lesbian association of buttugly incompatible atrocities (or LABIA) come out of the theater and join the "it". Some were purely lesbians...but one looked like a very effeminant man with a small goatee. That was, until she TALKED!!! It was clearly a woman with a beard! She must take testosterone. That certainly was one of the strangest things I've seen in a long time. So they are talking to the guy in drag and are telling him about the "party" coming up. Seems like the whole group gets together for social functions. Now granted, these people are common, but I didn't expect to see such large numbers in Columbia, Missouri just on the street. There was no parade or anything. It was very surreal. I felt like I was in California. I don't want anybody to take this the wrong way...I have nothing against these people. What they want to do or how they want to live is their business and more power to them. I just want to illustrate how completely freaked out I was by the scene unfolding in front of me. Truly a unique experience for this author. I do fear for my life though...as I'm almost sure that the transvestite is following me. "It" is everywhere. Other than that, not much to post. Still hate my job, still don't know if I will even have my job, still working way too much for way too little. Stay tuned to my blog for my take on the chronic obesity of mid-missourians, and how I loathe them in professional situations. Also, my dirty 30th birthday is coming up and I have absolutely no plans. If anyone has any ideas, I'm open to suggestions.

Much more in fear, and still loathing in Columbia
-J

Happy Birthday

Today, May 10th 2005, is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 65 this year. Tonight I honored his memory by watching a dvd of his funeral proceedings. I was at the event, but I hadn't watched the dvd yet....it's almost been a year. I pretty much watched it in stunned silence. I was humbled by the amount of people that came to pay respects (and this isn't even including all the people who showed up at the Legion to pay tribute). My Dad touched a lot of lives in his time, and I can only hope that I've done the same. He was a special man to a variety of people for just a large variety of reasons. I saw his relationship with others only in bits and pieces, but what I saw was a lot of great friends. Some of my best memories were made sitting on his front porch, just listening to the stories that he and his friends told. I one day hope to share that type of experience with my son or daughter (although up to a certain age the stories will have to be PG-13). I also hope that the same people that helped form, share, and carry on my stories will be there (to protect the not-so-innocent they shall remain unnamed...but you know who you are). I wish most of you had the chance to know him as I did. He truly was a man with a great sense of humor. He also was a walking encyclopedia. Not only that, he had a point of view that was very worldly and matter-of-fact. My biggest regret was not digesting the information that was given to me in my teenage years (alas, that is the cliche curse of puberty.....the young always know better than the old). Unfortunately, I didn't take the time to know my Dad as much as I should, we were very different people. My Dad and I didn't have that much in common, he was a much better man than I. However, there are some traits that he and I share that I am grateful for, be it inherited or learned (frankly, I don't know which it is). The first is honesty, I've heard over and over that my Dad's word was his bond.....and I truely believe it was. I'd like to think I follow in his footsteps where this is concerned. It is perhaps the greatest trait that I admired in my Dad, but I don't think it was this admiration that caused me to be this way....it's not something I tried to be, it's just something I am. The second is frankness (if that's even a word). My Dad was never afraid to speak his mind, and most of the time people valued his opinion, even if they didn't like what he said. I'm sure that I don't live up to his legacy in this respect, I'm perhaps too mindful of hurting other people's feelings. But, when the chips are down, I say what I believe. The third is a sense of humor, my Dad had a very strange, but broad sense of humor. I'm sure that I've inherited this aspect of my personality....there is no other explanation. Often we would sit around and exchange jokes and barbs and the resemblance was absolutely uncanny. Frankly speaking (pun intended) we are both sick, twisted fucks. The amazing thing is that although my Dad told really, really off color humor....it always made people laugh. You would be surprised at his repetoire of dirty jokes....they would make a hooker blush. Anyway, as I ramble on, I just wanted people that didn't know my Dad to get a sense of who he was. Although we weren't that close, I always admired and respected the man that he was, even when I disagreed with him. Tonight, I raise a glass of bourbon in his honor. I emplore those that read this over the next few days to pour a glass of bourbon; find a quiet place to be, whether outdoors or in, and toast those who you love-whether the are still with us or not. I hope this simple reflection will reaffirm the love you have for someone, or makes you appreciate someone that may have been neglected. I know I'll be toasting many people tonight, but most of all....my Dad. I miss the fuck out of him.
I love you Dad....always have.....always will.
-J

Consumption Junction...oh the humanity

The pictures below are from Consumption Junction. It's a great sight if you have a strong stomach. I recommend the daily pics section and text section. Warning....many pictures here are extremely graphic in nature (death, sex, general nastiness) ...however, you can also find lots of funny pictures like the ones I've posted. The text section has lots of good jokes and trivia. Check my links if you are up to it.

-J

Looks just like her 

The only motorcycle I will ever ride 

Your tax dollars at work...pretty cool though 

hellified airbrush 

ain't that the truth 

wow...the resemblence is uncanny 

Just some good ol' boys, never meening no harm, beats all you ever saw been in trouble with the law since the day they was born 

silly protesters 

Mmmm...that's good cat 

Sickening tales from the world of medicine

Hi Everybody!!!!
......hi Dr. Nick

Today's post is about reason #115 why I hate my job. That reason....fat people that need back braces. Case in point....I fit a 250 lbs woman with back brace in my office the other day. Now, she was pre-surgery and the brace was easy to get on her standing up, it was one piece plastic that opened in the front. Now, I didn't think about the fact that she would be in the hospital for a week or two after surgery. I surely didn't think that I would ever have to see her again. How wrong I was. Earlier in the week I was called up to her hospital room to help the nurse get the brace on (which they should have been able to do by themselves mind you). So, I go up there. I had no idea how hard it is to get a one piece brace around a monstrous fleshy body. One nurse and I wrestled this brace onto this woman like Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan going up against Andre the Giant in a cage match....it wasn't pretty. It took us about 30 minutes to get it in place. I was exhausted afterwards. Later that night, I wondered why my back was hurting...then I remembered....oh yeah, I had to throw my whole weight into getting that damn brace on. Oh my brothers, viddy well...the story does not end there. This weekend I had to make her a new brace that was 2 pieces so that it would be easier for the nurses to get it on her. I go to fit her with it today. It was much easier. Then, one nurse and I sat the patient up and transfered her to a wheelchair. Well, the patient was weak and we had to huff and puff and support 250 pounds of mostly dead weight. I wasn't thinking it would be a big deal, so I didn't have latex gloves on. We get her standing up, with the nurse supporting the upper body and me holding the wheelchair and trying to pivot the woman so that she could sit down. I ended up grabbing the bottom of the back of the brace to support her. BIG MISTAKE! So there I am, with no gloves on and my hand touching the fleshiness of her bare ass, just inches from the crack and what happens? The woman starts farting uncontrollably!! Now, I couldn't very well let go, so I just stood there and felt the warm freeze of her farts drift over my bare hands like a lover's sigh. It was horrible...I kept thinking....just don't shart...just don't shart. I think I may have even thrown up in my mouth a little bit. Anyway, we get her seated and I immediately wash my hands for like 20 minutes, shuddering and thinking "so unclean, so unclean". It's the kind of nightmare that causes post traumatic stress disorder. Well, I hope you all enjoyed that little anecdote. Who's hungry?
-J